They’re in the walls …

So, I’m working from home today because there’s a wildlife safari going on in my attic / walls …

Like … literally wild-life.  Yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work, I heard what sounded like a rather bothered bird ‘screaming’ at something. Concerned, I looked out all of the windows but couldn’t quite make out where it was coming from.  I gave up and went on with my day and headed off to work.  When I got home from work that night however that screaming throaty squawk was still going on, and as I walked through the downstairs of my home I realized … this thing was in the walls of my house.

I immediately called a few wildlife removal services and got everything from no response at all to “eh … it’ll be dead soon enough, I’d not worry about it.”  (which, frankly, seemed to me to be an odd business choice compared to the option of “for the low low price of all-of-your-money, we’ll get rid of it for you” – which I happily would have agreed to – but whatever)  I called a number of places, but apparently nobody could (or would) help me (or the bird) last night.

Determined to reclaim my home as place for humans (and specifically invited animal guests), I worked from home today so that I could find ‘experts’ who would come over to remove whatever it was. The good news is that I did find a company willing to come out and they chased away a bird that had gotten in. Somehow a vent got uncovered or something and there was a nice new bird entry to the attic.

They chased off a bird, removed a nest, and covered the entry point.  However … one or more birds somehow also got into the wall spaces that are (apparently) not easily accessible from the attic.

The experts climbed around in the attic for a while but just couldn’t find ‘him’ (the bird).  I was frustrated that they were having such difficulty, but after hearing several muttered “fuck this fucking bird” from them – I was feeling some real team spirit with them and we collaboratively started thinking outside the box.  

Eventually we all agreed he was in a particular area of the wall/ceiling in my downstairs bathroom … so they cut a hole in the ceiling to get at him.  (mind you – these people remove animals, they do not do drywall repair … but this is a one problem at a time sort of day, so … what the hell).  

Still, after a good long period of standing on my bathroom sink with heads poked through a newly crafted hole in the ceiling, they still couldn’t find or get at him.  Relentless, they retrieved a ‘snake camera’ from their truck and started remotely exploring the inside of the walls.  They still couldn’t find him.

We considered cutting new holes, but we were no longer confident in his location and were more confident that he could move around relatively freely.

So …. the experts left.  They’re giving the bird some time to think about what he’s done. They’re coming back this evening – with the hope that the bird(s) will have chosen freedom and gone through the new hole they made … and into my downstairs bathroom … which is simultaneously my hope – and my 3rd worst nightmare.

In the meantime I’ve become 100% convinced there are many many birds up there.  With the experts no longer hunting them and their space having been violated they are getting restless and vocal.  They are screeching back and forth at each other now (and apparently square dancing if judging from the movement sound) … and now … they have access to the bathroom.

The downstairs bathroom is clearly off limits.  I just now heard a new chirping voice terrifyingly loud in the upstairs master bathroom … so that’s now off limits too.  I have one bathroom left … and I’m afraid to check it out.

Seriously WTF.  I’m WAY too sober for this … and I’m gonna need much more than bourbon.  I need to find a friend with some much stronger recreational drugs … or who is a realtor.

I hear them – moving around up there – screaming at each other – fluttering around the new hole in the ceiling – toying with the idea of moving into the downstairs bathroom.

…. I have to use the bathroom. 😨🐦🐦



  1. Jackie Tolin

    Oh no Dave!!!!!

  2. Audra

    Oh my goodness, how I have missed your writing! So happy to read this but not happy for your bird situation.

  3. Woodruff Place. It’s the only answer!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Heather

    You are cracking me up, and at the same time I feel horrible for what you are going through.

  5. Ted

    Ugh, I know that feeling. Similar thing happened to me once. Come over to my place if you need a break in a ‘humans only’ area.

  6. Dad

    Dave, I think you just made this up to keep your mom me from coming down and free loading.

    • I wish I’d made it up. I almost didn’t post it for fear Mom would see it and never come back down. 🙂

      Update: The experts are gone … and so (apparently) are the birds (I will be listening diligently for chirps etc). I now, however, have 5 or 6 new holes in walls and ceilings .. so now I have that to fix (and then interior painting to do etc). uhg

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