Queen of the Loons

Today, while walking out of my apartment building… I met a woman who was without question the craziest person whom I have ever met…nay…the craziest person in all of Chicagoland (and for those of you not familure with Chicagoland…that’s quite a statement).

I don’t think I’ll ever forget her…or the poor innocent upon whom she dumped an epic portion of crazy.

The crazy woman (who I will from now on call “The Queen of the Loons”) was from any casual examination a normal woman … mid-50’s at best, 5′10″, 200lbs, just past shoulder-length black with graying and overly-frizzy hair, pink dress, white tennis shoes, black purse, and grand-pa style sun glasses.

She was walking (in the same direction) in front of me…and if not for the incident I would never have noticed her…or the poor woman who was her victim.

The victim? She too was an apparently normal woman… mid-30s, slightly taller than her majesty, blond hair pulled back, white pants, and a white & black shirt. Her only problem… she was walking faster than The Queen of the Loons and was about to pass her.

And me… I was walking just about 5 feet behind them both. Minding my own business not really even noticing anyone else, when the victim passed The Queen of the Loons.

Thats when the crazy was set loose… This woman (The Queen) lets out this manly, yet blood-curdling scream. The victim – who at this point was only about a foot away from The Loon – jumped about 10 feet into the air while clutching her chest, and spinning around to display a look of utter horror, shock, (and an healthy amount of fear) to The Loon.

After the victim landed and stumbled a few extra inches away from The Loon, but before she actually had her feet beneath her – the scream still echoing off the surrounding high-rise buildings, The Loon screams once more and follows it with (an unbelievably loud) shout of “ARHG! GET AWAY FROM ME! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU RAPEIST!”

By the end of this sentance the victim was on her feet and actively moving away (the look of grotesc panic even more solidly formed on her face). But… the shouting wasn’t over. Although the victim was now double-timing it away from The Loon, The Loon began again with booming shouts of “YOU’RE A RAPEIST! YOU’RE A RAPEIST AREN’T YOU!!”

The victim (still clutching her heart) was now all but jogging away from The Loon, occasionaly turning back (no doubt makeing sure that The Loon wasn’t throwing things….or pullin’ her 9) which gave me a chance to see on the expression of the victim what true and utter fright indeed looks like.

And still the shouts continued (even louder now so as to ensure the retreating victim could hear every word): “YOU’RE A RAPEIST – YOU RAPE PEOPLE!!”

I truely wish I could have heard the whimpering gasps from the victim. She was about a block away already. But The Loon gave her one last volley.

“YOU’RE A RAPEST! YOU’RE A GAY RAPER! YOU’RE A GAY RAPER!!”

Once the victim disapeared into Water Tower Place, The Loon quieted down. But that was well after she’d earned the title “The Queen of The Loon”.